Thick skin, soft heart

Hi love,

I’ve been thinking about boundaries within this work lately. The ways we keep ourselves safe, the ways we block access to us, who we let into our hearts and minds. While I like boundaries and couldn’t do this without them, they are something I like to reassess from time to time. 

I recently took some time off to rest and rejuvenate. What really spurred this was noticing my short span of attention and anger towards men, I was feeling frustrated and having zero patience, which is not my usual temperament! I love this work because I get to serve my clients (mostly men) and uplift them. I needed a break!

I did my usual spring cleanse which is a 14-day digestive reset using traditional Ayurvedic therapies and foods/herbs. I felt so much anger! Resentment of having to, wanting to, needing to eat. Questioning the emotional comfort from food. I even told myself I was NEVER doing this cleanse again! (I’ve been doing this same cleanse twice a year for 12 years now). I let myself feel it all.

By the end of it, I felt this coming back to myself and questioning “Who am I now?”, “How do I love myself here?”, “Where have I been too lenient with my energy and where can I reclaim some of myself?”

Boundaries.

Sometimes boundaries make us hard — And rightfully so. This work is not for the faint of heart! I’ve been tested and pushed in ways I’ve never even thought of before. Family and friends won’t speak to us anymore, banks will close our accounts, Airbnb kicked me off after 15 years (this just happened). 

Being part of one of the most reviled groups in the world, everything we do seems to be accompanied with “but you’re a whore so . . .” We’re made to feel less than and it is sanctioned by society, the government, states and corporations. It’s legal to be fired from a job and evicted from housing. It’s legal to have all of your money seized and bank accounts closed. Sometimes it feels like so much that I want to scream and erupt like a volcano. It would be so easy to turn that into anger, hate, and walls. 

But the desire for connection, love and curiosity of my fellow humans requires an open heart. A softness to meet another in a vulnerable place. The very reason I do this work. If I don’t receive the vulnerability from another, I’m missing my north star. 

How do I honor the part of me that is terrified of being incarcerated, houseless, broke and abandoned without letting her drive my decisions? I connect. With nature, with my community, with fellow artists, with the flowers. I breathe and I dance and I sing with the grief of it all. I let the walls crumble down from the weight of laughter, tears, and a good sweat; Honoring the need to take breaks to re-center. 

It’s an ugly and beautiful process — Much like the Goddess herself. From the mud and muck, pain and sorrow emerges the most beautiful blossoms, joy and dance. 

Thanks for taking a peek within! I hope you’re having a wonderful spring and feeling the vibrancy of the season.